Written by Monica Borschel, PhD and Deveney Wells-Gibson
A prenuptial agreement before marriage can make someone feel secure or insecure. Understandably so. Prenuptial Agreements are still taboo, with most believing that Prenups are only for protection against divorce. Many believe that if one person wants a Prenup, they are already contemplating a divorce.
The person feeling insecure frequently might feel like they aren’t trusted or, as mentioned above, that the other person is already considering divorce before the marriage begins. The person who feels more secure with the signed prenup might be trying to save some of the heartaches of a possible divorce but also want to create boundaries, expectations, and standards surrounding finances. The person desiring a prenup may try to protect the marriage from the other person’s debts. Although a prenup can feel unromantic, it can save you emotionally, mentally, and financially in the long run. Let’s look at why prenups can feel so hurtful.
1) You need to be more trusted when asked to sign a prenup. Has your relationship been built on trust? Or is there mistrust in the relationship? Trust is a more significant issue than the prenup if there is mistrust regarding other matters. If there is trust in the relationship, a prenup is a way to discuss assets safely. If you and your partner trust each other, you can ask your partner why they would like you to sign a prenup. This is also an excellent opportunity to dive deeper into understanding your partner. Maybe they experienced past traumatic breakups or divorces. Perhaps they are trying to protect their kids from previous relationships. They may need to have a prenup to carry out their estate plan. A business owner or someone they’re receiving an inheritance from may request them to get a prenup. Maybe a prenup makes sense to your partner. Regardless of the reason, it is common for people to be nervous before they get married and want to ensure they are always protected.
2) You are worried that your partner is implying you will eventually get divorced. A prenup is a way for your partner to feel safer in case of a divorce. Some people think about the worst-case scenario and plan for that. Perhaps your partner has found the statistics of the probability of divorce and wants to ensure that you are both taken care of in case of divorce. Asking your partner why they want a prenup is better than assuming the worst. We aren’t mind readers. From a different perspective, your partner wants the prenup to ensure that you both remain in the marriage because you genuinely want to be in the marriage for love. Sometimes people stay in marriages for fear of change or how finances will be split. Having a prenup ensures both partners are in the marriage for the right reasons.
3) Prenups are not romantic. Relationships involve difficult conversations. Finances are a source of contention in many marriages, and disagreements on finances are a leading cause of divorce. A prenup offers you the opportunity to speak about your financial concerns. Talking about finances before marriage will give you an idea of what is important to you and your partner and can help set healthy expectations, standards, and boundaries so you both are on the same page before getting married.
4) My partner cares more about their assets than me. A prenup is something that you can negotiate, and you should! It should not be one-sided. If a prenup is one-sided and unfair, it likely will not be enforceable in court. If your prenup looks to be one-sided, be curious as to why that is. An attorney can help to draft and negotiate for you if you need clarification. Prenups affect you, and you have every right to make sure you are protected in the prenup. Prenups are a tool to help benefit you. Make sure you participate!
Dr Monica Borschel, Ph.D. Divorce and Trauma Recovery Coach
Monica is originally from Salt Lake City, Utah. She later moved to New York City, earning her master’s in clinical psychology from Columbia University. She then pursued her Doctorate in Social Work and Social Administration at the University of Hong Kong. Her training and qualifications include certifications in Brainspotting and High Conflict Coaching.
Email: info@doctormonicaborschel.com
Deveney Wells-Gibson is a Family Law Attorney in San Diego, CA
Deveney is highly focused on educating future spouses on the pros and cons of marriage. Although Deveney primarily focuses on divorces, she has been on a mission to help couples strengthen their marriages through prenups. Deveney runs her own successful law firm, Wells-Gibson Family Law, APC.
Welcome! My passion is to help you find inner peace and emotional comfort within yourself and your relationships.