What resilience is and isn’t

Published on August 5, 2019

People often confuse resilience with “being tough” or “toughing it out.” A misconception is that you either have resilience, or you don’t.  Sometimes, circumstances such as poverty lead to survival stress, which makes it more challenging to cope with additional stressors such as trauma and loss.  When survival needs are not met, a person might go into survival mode and believe that toughing it out, or fighting is the only option. When we “tough it out,” we might think that we should not bother others with our problems or that talking through things is weak.  If the emotions build inside of us, we might feel anxious or depressed.  We might begin to believe that we are not relevant or that no one cares.  On the other hand, some people don’t feel as if they are toughing it out, they are ok, and don’t feel any need to talk.  If someone tells you they don’t want or need to talk about it, pressuring them to talk could do more harm than good.  

Resilience does not mean that you don’t feel emotions such as sadness, grief or anger.  Being resilient means that you can healthily cope with your emotions.  Here are some pointers to encourage resilience:

Reach out for social support  

Tough times can be challenging to manage alone.  Reaching out to supportive others offers another perspective.  Sometimes it’s enough to know that you are not alone in the world.  Safe and supportive others can make the world seem like a more secure place.  

Practice self-compassion  

self-compassion is the ability to be gentle and kind to yourself.  Criticising or abusing yourself is harmful and can lead to depressive thoughts.  It is ok to feel guilt and learn from your mistakes, but adding shame to yourself keeps you stuck.

Be kind to your body  

Abusing drugs and alcohol might only intensify the depression and anxiety.  Exercising and eating healthy helps your body to become or remain strong, which in turn helps your mind relax.  

Emotions

Emotions are not bad; they give us information about ourselves and our environment.  Understand what you are feeling and why.  What have you learned from your sadness or anger?  Some ways to understand and manage your emotions are writing, talking and meditating.  After a loss, your emotions might feel like a roller coaster.  It is ok to sob and even wail.

Know when to ask for help

Resilience does not mean that you do not ask for help from time to time.  Help enables people to use their energy more efficiently so that they can get back to focusing on their priorities.  When emotions are overwhelming, they consume a lot of mental focus and energy, which can make it challenging to work or focus on relationships.  

Use humour

Being able to laugh with friends and even at yourself, helps to lighten the load.  Sometimes it is ok not to take yourself too seriously.

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If you need more help, remember that you can always talk to an expert. To set up an appointment with me please contact +852 2521 4668 or email m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

 


Category(s):Adjusting to Change / Life Transitions, Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) / Trauma / Complex PTSD, Stress Management

Written by:

Dr Monica Borschel

Welcome! My passion is to help you find inner peace and emotional comfort within yourself and your relationships.

As social creatures, our relationships significantly shape our happiness, well-being, and sense of self-worth. Unfortunately, many of us have experienced relationship-related traumas, which can leave us with emotional scars that require recovery.

Attachment traumas, such as divorce, break-ups, infidelity, neglect, and abuse, can be challenging. As an expert in attachment, loss, and trauma, I have spent many years studying how attachment styles can shift with loss and trauma.

I have seen how healthy relationships can lead to secure attachment and how insecure attachment can create turmoil in our lives. I aim to guide you toward cultivating healthy relationships with yourself, your children, your co-parent, and your romantic partner.

I can help you develop new attachment strategies that will allow you to form deeper connections and bonds with those around you. And, if you have children, I can also assist you in establishing secure attachments with both parents, which can be especially helpful in cases of separation or divorce.

I am originally from Salt Lake City, Utah, where I completed my Bachelor of Science in Psychology at The University of Utah. From there, I moved to New York City, earning my Master’s in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University. I then pursued my Doctorate in Social Work and Social Administration at the University of Hong Kong. I lived and worked in Hong Kong as a practicing Clinical Psychologist from 2010-2020. I reside in California and am pursuing my Doctorate in Psychology (PsyD) at California Southern University. My training and qualifications include certifications in Brainspotting and High Conflict Coaching.

These tools, combined with my extensive knowledge and experience in the field, enable me to offer you the guidance and support you need to recover from past traumas and build healthy relationships.

My approach to therapy is empathetic, supportive, and tailored to your unique needs. Every person can grow, and thrive. I am committed to helping you achieve your goals. So, whether you are struggling with relationship issues, divorce, abuse, attachment traumas, or other challenges, I am here to help you find the peace and comfort you deserve.

Email me at info@doctormonicaborschel.com or call the MindnLife Clinic at 852 2521 4668