Sometimes you cannot DO your way into a better sex life

Published on December 15, 2014

It seems when a couple’s sex life is starting to become less satisfying and amazing, many people focus on the DOING aspect of sex. At last check, Amazon is selling almost 14,000 different books that describe all the ways to DO sex. That’s a lot of ways to do sex! I seriously wonder how different each of these books can be. Can there really be 14,000 different ways to do sex?!

As a sex therapist, I often do not have anything new to share on how to DO sex. As far as I’ve seen and what the research shows, most people are pretty aware of how to do sex and know what they like.

Since I can’t unlock new ways of doing sex, how do I help people? Well, what I do have to offer people in helping them improve their sex life is how to BE sexual.

Stop for a moment and think about this. “Being” has to do with how you think. The most important sex organ in the body is the mind. If you are trying to DO sex and BE angry, they won’t fit. An angry person having sex is kind of scary and not erotic for the recipient. Same with if you are BEING critical of your partner and DOING sex, it doesn’t match, it won’t work and sex with not being sexual.

Many people, especially in longer term relationships, lose focus over BEING sexual or BEING erotic or BEING loving. They instead just tend to focus on DOING which is about frequency, positions, toys or partners. If you are DOING sex and being judgmental or BEING worried they don’t match and sex won’t be enjoyable.

As people’s lives become complicated they are often BEING:

  • Tired
  • Stressed
  • Anxious
  • Worried
  • Overwhelmed
  • Pulled in many directions
  • LOST
  • Guilty

When you are being these it is really hard to DO sex.

To do sex people need to BE:

  • Sexual
  • Rested
  • Happy
  • Connected
  • Contented
  • Calm
  • Erotic
  • Lovable
  • Sensual
  • Confident

Too many couples have created a life that doesn’t allow the necessary way of BEING that would allow them to DO sex. Most people are exhausted and stressed. They have very little time for themselves much less their children, work, friends or spouse. Many couples, whether they consciously or not, do not make their sex life a priority.

If you want amazing sex, you need to make tough choices to make it a priority. If you need to BE sexual, lovable, happy and rested to DO sex, then you need to create a lifestyle that will allow that to happen. Most people do not.

If you and your spouse are struggling with your sex life and want help, perhaps you should step away from the DOING and trying and figure out how you can BE sexual. If you need help a professional relationship and sex therapist can help you get a satisfying sexual life back. Call us at 90307239 or email us

Category(s):Marital Counseling, Men's Issues, Relationships & Marriage, Sexual Problems / Sex Therapy, Women's Issues

Written by:

Tammy M. Fontana, MS NCC CTRT Sex Therapist USA

Ms. Fontana is a relationship counsellor specializing in helping people with their relationships whether it is dating, marriage, parenting or with their extended family. Her clients call her approach practical and found solutions to their problems. Ms. Fontana has obtained her Master Degree in Mental Health counselling from the United States and is a USA Nationally Certified Counsellor. She is also a Certified Choice Theory Reality Therapist and is USA trained Sex Therapist.

Tammy M. Fontana, MS NCC CTRT Sex Therapist USA belongs to All in the Family Counselling Centre, PTE LTD in Singapore