Why Family Hurt Hurts So Much

Posted on April 4, 2017

Photo: flickr

Hurt is defined as the feeling of emotional upset and injury. Family hurt is more painful than that caused by our friends, because of a number of reasons.

For one, it has been culturally ingrained in us to believe that our family members will be there for us, not just during the good times or the bad times, but all the time, regardless of the circumstances. When someone who is supposed to be by your side no matter what does something hurtful, it will hit us deeply. The closeness of relationships between family members results in these magnified feelings of hurt.

Due to the sheer amount of time family members have spent together - such as siblings who shared a room while growing up - they will know things about each other that others, even the closest of friends, do not know about. This means that they are likely to have a treasure trove of shared memories catalogued in their minds. However, this also means that they could tease each other about something that happened, and a funny story about something embarrassing could escalate into full-blown hurt.

It is not just about the time that family members spend together living under the same roof, but also about the emotional investment and trust that family members place on each other. We rely on our family members for emotional, physical and financial support, among other things. When the pillars of comfort that are our family members hurt us, it is thus far more painful.

We do not distance ourselves as much from family members who hurt us, as opposed to friends who do the same. Perhaps this is likely to increase the intensity of these painful feelings, simply because our family members are never far away.

Certain characteristics of hurtful family environments include:

1. Aggression: communication that is meant to hurt and words that are meant to criticise, verbal disputes, dishonesty between family members, ganging up against someone in the family, stressful situations.

2. Lack of affection: a dearth of physical, tangible or verbal shows of love and encouragement, or a lack of quality time spent together as a family.

3. Neglect: deliberately paying no attention to a certain family member or members, or feeling uncomfortable around certain family members.

4. Violence: physical harm perhaps through abusive behaviour or sexual abuse.

Research shows that those who live in hurtful family environments with characteristics as described above are more likely to feel dissatisfied with relationships between their family members and themselves. One solution to toxic family relationships is to distance oneself from the situation for a sustained amount of time, before both parties are ready to begin mending their relationship. Family hurt can occur between any members of the family. It can occur between mother and daughter, between siblings or between parents. All these situations are far from ideal, but they can be remedied with the right strategies.


Category(s):Family Problems

Source material from Psychology Today