Is my marriage headed for divorce?

Published on November 1, 2023

Marriage can feel like the best and worst thing that ever happened to you. It is common for married partners to have some form of resentment. Often these resentments are centered around the division of labor, intimacy, parenting and finances. These resentments can lead to anger, anxiety, loss of self-worth, and a fear of intimacy. When you are upset with your partner, try to remember your emotional connection with them. Anger and resentment can cloud your day, months, or even years. Appreciation for things outside of the marriage can also help you feel more grateful for your spouse.

There can be more severe issues in a marriage that can lead to divorce. An unhealthy marriage can have addiction, abuse, affairs, hatred, and control. When trust is lost, it can be challenging to overcome. Emotional abuse often goes undetected. The person being emotionally abused might blame themselves for not being perfect, good enough, or meeting the controlling person’s standards. They might feel like they are constantly walking on eggshells.

Some major red flags to look out for are being isolated from family and friends, being devalued to the point you don’t like yourself, persistent lying, controlling behaviors, and an inability to overcome an addiction. Addiction can sometimes feel more powerful than the person. If your partner is addicted and refuses to seek help, you might want to consider whether divorce is the right option.

According to Dr. John Gottman, there are six predictors of divorce. One is when one partner starts a conflict with hatred, criticism, and sarcasm. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are what Dr. Gottman calls the Four Horsemen. These behaviors can lead to the other partner feeling shocked and in emotional overload. This emotional overload leads to elevated heartbeat, blood pressure, and adrenaline.

When conflict happens, partners can still repair it. Repairing after a conflict can resolve marriage issues and improve intimacy. However, when there are failed repair attempts, the marriage is unhappy. Marriage partners can be conflict-avoidant, low-conflict, or high-conflict. High-conflict individuals often lack empathy and show controlling and abusive behaviors. If you are in this marriage, it is best to seek the help of a family attorney and a mental health professional.

There is a way to have healthy conflict. Avoiding conflict will not lead to any resolution of the issues that are causing the unhappy marriage. Understanding how to communicate your feelings and needs can lead to a happier and healthier marriage. Conflict can be painful, but resolving and repairing after leads to resolution.

To book an online session with Dr Monica Borschel, please call the MindnLife Clinic at +852 2521 4668 or email

Category(s):Couple Counseling, Divorce / Divorce Adjustment, Marital Counseling, Relationships & Marriage

Written by:

Dr Monica Borschel

Welcome! My passion is to help you find inner peace and emotional comfort within yourself and your relationships.

As social creatures, our relationships significantly shape our happiness, well-being, and sense of self-worth. Unfortunately, many of us have experienced relationship-related traumas, which can leave us with emotional scars that require recovery.

Attachment traumas, such as divorce, break-ups, infidelity, neglect, and abuse, can be challenging. As an expert in attachment, loss, and trauma, I have spent many years studying how attachment styles can shift with loss and trauma.

I have seen how healthy relationships can lead to secure attachment and how insecure attachment can create turmoil in our lives. I aim to guide you toward cultivating healthy relationships with yourself, your children, your co-parent, and your romantic partner.

I can help you develop new attachment strategies that will allow you to form deeper connections and bonds with those around you. And, if you have children, I can also assist you in establishing secure attachments with both parents, which can be especially helpful in cases of separation or divorce.

I am originally from Salt Lake City, Utah, where I completed my Bachelor of Science in Psychology at The University of Utah. From there, I moved to New York City, earning my Master’s in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University. I then pursued my Doctorate in Social Work and Social Administration at the University of Hong Kong. I lived and worked in Hong Kong as a practicing Clinical Psychologist from 2010-2020. I reside in California and am pursuing my Doctorate in Psychology (PsyD) at California Southern University. My training and qualifications include certifications in Brainspotting and High Conflict Coaching.

These tools, combined with my extensive knowledge and experience in the field, enable me to offer you the guidance and support you need to recover from past traumas and build healthy relationships.

My approach to therapy is empathetic, supportive, and tailored to your unique needs. Every person can grow, and thrive. I am committed to helping you achieve your goals. So, whether you are struggling with relationship issues, divorce, abuse, attachment traumas, or other challenges, I am here to help you find the peace and comfort you deserve.

Email me at or call the MindnLife Clinic at 852 2521 4668