Erectil Dysfunction (ED) OR SOMETHING ELSE ?

Published on February 21, 2023

Are you having erectile dysfunction issues? Are you finding it hard to get an erection or maintain an erection? Is your partner having difficulty with sex?

 Oftentimes, people are quickly looking for quick fix solutions to erectile dysfunction, but when couples come into my office, or individuals, and they start doing an assessment, there are often things that people don't realize that are affecting a person's libido, sexual desire or drive, as well as their erections.

Sex and intimacy therapyUnfortunately, one of the biggest things affecting people's sex and sex drive is their lack of understanding of human bodies and how we age and develop over time. Whenever I'm seeing people come in with erectile dysfunction issues and I do an assessment, often there are issues going on in their life that are affecting them, that they don't know how to face or deal with.


Common issues are very heavy and stressful work life in which they are getting less than 5 or 6 hours of sleep at night, the person is anywhere from 5 to 10 to 20 or 30 kg overweight. They are Tnot excercising and in poor cardiovascular health. They are not eating healthy and well balanced meals. Basically they are out of shape and not taking care of their bodies. Remember sex is a very physical act. Being out of shape, overweight and not rested will affect your desire and ability to have sex.


Other times they may have had a new baby or have very young children. They are often working as well as going to school and having children. If someone is having financial difficulties or they may be getting negative feedback at work this will affect sex and desire and performance.


They may be having health issues with their parents or other life stresses or multiple life stresses. And often, they have a situation in which their life stresses are preoccupying their mind and their priorities are on things such as family, health, work and sex is nowhere in the top 3.


They do not know how to address these life stresses and they do not know how to talk with their partner. They mean feel along and misunderstood and overwhelmed. Their partner doesn't understand their partners feelings and life state.


A number one fact is that some people have  simple ideas about sex that sex is fun and good and we should be able to do it independent of all the life stresses. These ideas often contribute to erectile dysfunction.


The idea that sex is disconnected from who we are and the stress in your life, creates even more of the problem because people have unrealistic expectations that they should be able to have sex under any conditions, no matter how stressful or tired they are. Often these things lead to erectile dysfunction, dissatisfied couple communication in relationships and couples who are overwhelmed.


Couples seeking help for erectile dysfunction often want it to be a simple thing and DOING thing.  Sometimes, in the beginning, before therapy, it  may have started out as somewhat simple DOING thing but then it becomes a thinking/anxiety/confusing issue because of the way they want to frame the problem or how they want the problem to be.


Too often things that are called erectile dysfunction, are being misnamed. They are not really an erection problem, they are a life style and stress problem and couples need to learn how to deal with the stresses in their life, reset their priorities, communicate in order to create a new sex life that is realistic for their current lifestyle, health and available time. Other times, the ED is not ED but really a person having sex in a condition they do not want and are not able to communicate that or set boundaries.


If this sounds something like you, therapy can be very helpful. Therapy can be challenging, but it will help you address the reality of your current life, your health and actually how sex works in a long-term relationship that has many demands and stresses placed upon it. Better communication, good boundaries, education all contribute to healing and addressing erectile dysfunction.


If you would like to learn how therapy can help you, contact All in the Family Counselling Centre Pt ltd at +65 9030 7239 or email Tammy Fontana at


Tammy Fontana, lead therapist and clinical sex therapist, is providing therapy for under two decades. She is a clinically trained sex therapist dealing with sex and intimacy and other sexual dysfunctions, such as erectile dysfunction, vaginismus, low libido, sexual incompatibility. She also helps couples with intimacy, communication, conflict. If you would like to learn more, contact us now.

Category(s):Adjusting to Change / Life Transitions, Anxiety, Couple Counseling, Ending a relationship issues, Health / Illness / Medical Issues, Health Psychology, Men's Issues, Mental Health Professions, Relationships & Marriage, Relaxation techniques, Self-Confidence, Self-Doubt, Self-Love, Sexual Problems / Sex Therapy, Women's Issues

Written by:

Tammy M. Fontana, MS NCC CTRT Sex Therapist USA

Ms. Fontana is a relationship counsellor specializing in helping people with their relationships whether it is dating, marriage, parenting or with their extended family. Her clients call her approach practical and found solutions to their problems. Ms. Fontana has obtained her Master Degree in Mental Health counselling from the United States and is a USA Nationally Certified Counsellor. She is also a Certified Choice Theory Reality Therapist and is USA trained Sex Therapist.

Tammy M. Fontana, MS NCC CTRT Sex Therapist USA belongs to All in the Family Counselling Centre, PTE LTD in Singapore