Published on February 13, 2023

Do you and your spouse have difficulties having sex? Are you guys having fights or conflicts because you keep saying that you don't have the same libido? Are you the self-described low desire person in your relationship? Have you been doing research on low desiring and wondering how to fix it? Could it be the way you are framing your sexual problem is part of the problem?


sex and intimacy therapyTammy Fontana, lead therapist at All in the Family Counselling Centre Pte Ltd has been working with couples and individuals on sex and intimacy issues for just under two decades. One of the most common problems that happens is that people decide they have a low desire partner problem.


One of the things that creates most of the difficulty in helping people solve these kinds of issues is that they decide before coming into therapy what their problem is and what needs to be done to fix it. These couples, while they haven't been able to fix it on their own, want to hire a therapist to fix the problem as they've seen it and have the therapist do the solutions that they have decided need to happen, even though none of that has worked.


Unfortunately for these couples, these approach often reflects some of the dynamics going on in their relationship. It is often a signal of why there is problem in sex. Sex or lack of it is usually a symptom of bigger underlying issues in the relationship, not the actual problem.


As a therapist working with individuals and couples, one of the biggest challenges is helping people to face into the reality of their situation and that the way they are defining the problem is part of the problem. Many people are not aware of how sex with grown ups works and have a lot of misinformation about sexuality and may lack the sexually intelligence they need to have the sex life they crave.


Part of the challenge of therapy is gently helping people to start to see that, embrace the idea that they may be wrong and that the way they are framing it may be difficult. Many people have reasons for hanging onto or framing the problem as they have defined it. They don't want to feel that they are at fault, they may not want to feel that they are undesirable, they may be frustrated and angry at the way their marriage is and want a sex problem vs a marriage problem, there may be other things that they don't want to face about themselves, the relationship or their partner and so they want to hide it behind a sexual issue that could be around low desire, somebody who is not interested and it is very scary for them to possibly examine other issues or factors that may be affecting the reasons why the couple is not having sex.


In therapy we are helping to people to address low desire by looking at how sex works in adults who have busy lives, lots of stress and very little time and low sleep. In Southeast Asia and in Singapore in particular, it is a very strong work culture where people are working 12-15 hour days, travelling, raising children, tending with aging parents, having financial and economic stresses. All of these things greatly impact our desire and libido.


Couples who are struggling with intimacy outside of sexual intimacy, often do not know to deal with their desire discrepancies or other issues and oftentimes people want it to be a sexual problem, rather than a relationship problem. Often times, one or both individuals have very unreaslistic ideas about how sex works in a complicated adult life. These unrealistic ideas can be grounds for a lot of misunderstanding and conflict and bad feelings. People need help to accept how sex work in a complicated, tiring and stressed out adult life. They need to learn how to communicate and make decisions about priorities to create time and space for a satisfying sex life. Many times people who struggle with realistic ideas will have trouble facing these realities. They may even blame their partner unfairly for things that have nothing to do with their partner.


The reality is sex in grown up life is challengin to work out. You must have very good communication and emotional skills and the abilility to handle reality and all of its feeligns. You need to have a good relationship in which there is intimacy, good boundaries and good emotional connection in order to have sex enhance that.


This can be a new and challenging way for people to view sex. Many times people want sex to be the one area where they don't have to take responsibility for their lives or their feelings.


If you would like to address sex or intimacy or some relationship issues, such as communication, conflict management, boundaries, therapy can be a very effective way for you to do this.


Tammy Fontana, lead therapist at All in the Family Counselling has just under two decades of helping couples with issues around sex and intimacy, communication, boundary setting, parenting, infidelity, anger management, anxiety and depression.


Therapy can be effective and challenging way for couples to grow and work if they give it the time. Contact us at +65 9030 7239 to find out how we can help you.

Category(s):Codependency / Dependency, Emotional Intelligence, Individuation, Infidelity, Marital Counseling, Men's Issues, Post Partum Depression, Relationships & Marriage, Sexual Problems / Sex Therapy, Women's Issues

Written by:

Tammy M. Fontana, MS NCC CTRT Sex Therapist USA

Ms. Fontana is a relationship counsellor specializing in helping people with their relationships whether it is dating, marriage, parenting or with their extended family. Her clients call her approach practical and found solutions to their problems. Ms. Fontana has obtained her Master Degree in Mental Health counselling from the United States and is a USA Nationally Certified Counsellor. She is also a Certified Choice Theory Reality Therapist and is USA trained Sex Therapist.

Tammy M. Fontana, MS NCC CTRT Sex Therapist USA belongs to All in the Family Counselling Centre, PTE LTD in Singapore