Evolution of Self in Relationships

Published on September 27, 2022

Relationships evolve on a daily basis.
When we work on them, they likely evolve in the direction we both wish. When we don’t work on them, they likely drift in their own random ways. If we are lucky, in the latter case, we land in a good place, most often, however, we don’t.
Every time we engage to work on our relationships, even with a minimum effort or depth, we create a shift. You may remember my article on the billiard ball in outer space, in there I reminded us that when we flick an object perpendicularly to its trajectory, it does not matter how tiny and light the flick was, the object will change direction. And so, when we connect and engage daily with our partners, no matter how small the interaction, we are working on the relationship.
When the engagements are positive, they have a profound, compounding effect. A well-placed comment, a special type of tone, a particularly poignant word, or a loving gesture, an intimate moment, a beautiful surprise… and suddenly, we gain access to a new level of understanding of each other and the relationship. It doesn’t take much effort, just consistency, especially if the relationship is already in a good place.
Much of the success in intimacy comes from being vulnerable. And yet, we walk around our daily lives with this beautifully curated coat. We spent considerable time fitting and decorating it in a way that shines our best light, and no one is allowed to look inside the coat.
One day, unexpectedly, we meet someone who shows us the inside of their coat, and we feel somewhat, and yet again unexpectedly, compelled to open our own coat for show.
We feel strong, enticing and valuable when showing our coat off to the world. Often, however, we never received sufficient feedback about the person we carry under the coat. And suddenly we feel exposed, judged, doubtful. Our power and confidence all but disappearing. The level of vulnerability, too much to endure.
The well curated, outer persona, is the one we often consider the confident and acceptable one. The hidden, inner persona, is the one we often judge unacceptable and less-than. And yet, the truth is that both are curated, both are real, both are strong.
When we show the world our beautifully curated coat, we are powerful and real.
When we choose a special one to share the person inside the coat, we are also powerful and real.
Power is when you:
• accept your intrinsic value!
• stand strong on your firmly planted roots!
• just be you, as you are!
Thank you for reading.
I base all my articles on real case studies and research findings that are relevant to my work and my clients.
Feel free to reach out to me with any questions or if you would like to explore something together.

Category(s):Mental Health in Asia

Written by:

Dr Oberdan Marianetti

Dr Oberdan Marianetti is the founder of Essence Coaching, and the creator of the Essence® model.

As a qualified Psychologist and Sexologist, Oberdan has successfully helped individuals and couples revive the excitement in their relationships and sex life.

He has a keen desire to help people reconnect with their true selves - their Essence® - and form meaningful connection with others.

Whether through private consultations or public workshops, Oberdan is committed to helping each individual rediscover the power and beauty of their own sexuality in an open, safe and non-judgemental environment.

With the experience accumulated from private practice, he brings new perspectives on intimacy and sexuality through highly engaging and informative presentations and workshops on sexuality, sex and relationships."

His work has been published by the British Psychological Society and Oxford University Press; he is a regular speaker and has developed his own Leadership model (Essence Leadership), which was featured in sector-specific publications and in TED.

Dr Oberdan Marianetti belongs to Dr Oberdan Marianetti in Singapore

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