Since the arrival of your baby, the sexual balance seems to be reversed in the bedroom. You are the one who wants more sex, and he does not seem interested. Instead, he appears to be giving all kinds of excuses – from tiredness, stress, not being in the mood, to a full work day ahead.
What do you do?
1) Rule out Hormonal Imbalance
Suggest that he get his testosterone level checked medically. Testosterone is believed to be the biggest attributor to the biological desire for sex and its level is 20-40% higher in men than women. One of the symptoms of a low testosterone is lack of sexual drive.
2) Excuse or Reason?
Was he giving you excuses, or genuine reasons for not wanting sex? Is there any element of truth in it? Give him the benefit of the doubt and explore how you can better support him emotionally. Brainstorm and come up with strategies together. The differences you have in coping with stress, anxiety, challenges, and the arrival of your baby should all be considered.
3) Get Real
Ask yourself the questions below to clarify your own needs:
- When did this difference in sex drive become apparent?
- What do you think are the possible reasons?
- How much sex would you need to have vs. the amount you like to have?
- When you do have sex, are your needs being met?
- What would make sex better for you? What about for him?
4) Communicate Your Concerns
Sure, sex is a sensitive topic, but change has to begin with you. He is not a mind reader and might be oblivious to all the hints you have been giving him. Bring to the table three implementable ideas you have towards making sex better – whether it has to do with frequency, duration, or quality, and see what he says. Communicate with him in a non-condescending manner. Take this as a personal challenge to become more assertive, and, consequently, a better adult.
5) Take the Initiative
You can take the initiative and effort to make it more exciting, when both of you are intimate. It could be buying something that makes you feel sexy; trying a new sexual position or a different sexual technique during the lovemaking session; or reading romance novels to inspire you to be more aroused and consequently ‘wilder’ in bed. Keep it fresh for both of you!
6) Get Professional Help
Still find it challenging to raise the issue of lack of sex with your husband? If you need support in articulating your sexual desires and better communicate your desires and needs, you may wish to consider engaging a clinical sexologist or sex therapist. Should your spouse be willing to go in for sessions with you, sexual counselling or coaching can make a strong marriage even more solid.
Your sexual desire is an exquisitely unique expression of who you are. There is no need to be embarrassed about your increased desire for sex. Simply be aware of this difference and together, you and your spouse can come up with ways to fulfil both your sexual needs.
About Dr. Martha Tara Lee
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 12 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.
Often cited in the media, Dr. Lee is the appointed Resident Sexologist for PinkLifestyle.com; as well as Clinical Sexologist for Singapore Cancer Society. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga, From Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.