My loyalty and commitment were used against me

Published on October 28, 2021

Andrew was a marine who was taught that commitment and loyalty were what made a man brave.  These core values served him well in the marines and later professionally. So when Andrew met Sasha, he felt like he had won the lottery.  A year later, they were married and were planning on raising a family together.

Sasha was feeling trapped by marriage.  She wasn’t sure that she wanted to be with just one person for the rest of her life.  She soon began devaluing and abusing Andrew.  Andrew stuck by her side, hoping that things would change.  He had committed to the marriage, and he would be loyal until the end.

Andrew desperately tried to make Sasha happy, but nothing he did ever worked.  Sasha had been drinking a lot more and staying out late most nights.  Andrew’s friend had told him that he had seen Sasha’s profile on Tinder.

Andrew was beside himself.  He was deeply heartbroken, but he couldn’t seem to find it within himself to leave her.  What kind of man breaks his marriage commitment?  He asked Sasha to consider marriage counselling.  She said that she wasn’t willing to go because she didn’t want to repair the marriage. Instead, she asked for a divorce.

Andrew was upset with himself because he had been loyal and committed to someone who could not offer the same back to him.  He felt betrayed, and he started to become depressed.  What was it all for?  He wasn’t about to shift his core values, but what could he do to prevent this from happening again.

Core values help us to define who we are and what we stand for.  Our core values might be different from someone else’s, and conflict can happen. For example, Andrew felt that he was ethical by sticking with what he felt was right, but he got burned by someone who did not value the same things.

Here are a few points to consider

  1. What are your core values?
  2. What core values do you seek in others?
  3. What are your boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate from others?

Category(s):Complex PTSD, Grief, Loss, Bereavement, Positive Psychology, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) / Trauma / Complex PTSD

Written by:

Dr Monica Borschel

My goal is to help you out of the pain you are feeling from abuse, loss, and unhealthy relationships. I understand how scary it is in the darkness, and I want to help you transition back into the light.

I have helped hundreds of individuals go from suffering to thriving. I have studied the effects of abuse, loss, and unhealthy relationships on self-worth, trust, depression, and anxiety for almost fifteen years. My education and clinical experience have enabled my clients to understand their worth, make positive changes in their relationships and careers, and have more confidence.

I specialize in attachment, trauma, and loss. I am experienced in helping adults, teens, children, and families adjust to anxiety, trauma, abuse, divorce, separation, and loss. This may include deciding what is in the children’s best interest during disputes and strengthening the relationship and communication between the parents and the children. As an attachment specialist, I help individuals understand and deal with relationship patterns that prevent them from developing or maintaining healthy relationships.

I am from Salt Lake City, Utah. I graduated with my master’s in psychology from Columbia University in New York City. I pursued her doctorate in Social Work and Social Administration at the University of Hong Kong. I live in California and am working on my PsyD at California Southern University.

Registered Clinical Psychologist with The Hong Kong Society of Counseling and Psychology (HKSCP). Member of the American Psychological Association (APA), The British Psychological Society (BPS), and the Hong Kong Family Law Association (HKFLA).

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