My loyalty and commitment were used against me

Published on October 28, 2021

Andrew was a marine who was taught that commitment and loyalty were what made a man brave.  These core values served him well in the marines and later professionally. So when Andrew met Sasha, he felt like he had won the lottery.  A year later, they were married and were planning on raising a family together.

Sasha was feeling trapped by marriage.  She wasn’t sure that she wanted to be with just one person for the rest of her life.  She soon began devaluing and abusing Andrew.  Andrew stuck by her side, hoping that things would change.  He had committed to the marriage, and he would be loyal until the end.

Andrew desperately tried to make Sasha happy, but nothing he did ever worked.  Sasha had been drinking a lot more and staying out late most nights.  Andrew’s friend had told him that he had seen Sasha’s profile on Tinder.

Andrew was beside himself.  He was deeply heartbroken, but he couldn’t seem to find it within himself to leave her.  What kind of man breaks his marriage commitment?  He asked Sasha to consider marriage counselling.  She said that she wasn’t willing to go because she didn’t want to repair the marriage. Instead, she asked for a divorce.

Andrew was upset with himself because he had been loyal and committed to someone who could not offer the same back to him.  He felt betrayed, and he started to become depressed.  What was it all for?  He wasn’t about to shift his core values, but what could he do to prevent this from happening again.

Core values help us to define who we are and what we stand for.  Our core values might be different from someone else’s, and conflict can happen. For example, Andrew felt that he was ethical by sticking with what he felt was right, but he got burned by someone who did not value the same things.

Here are a few points to consider

  1. What are your core values?
  2. What core values do you seek in others?
  3. What are your boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate from others?

Category(s):Complex PTSD, Grief, Loss, Bereavement, Positive Psychology, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) / Trauma / Complex PTSD

Written by:

Dr Monica Borschel

Registered Clinical Psychologist (HK)

Dr. Borschel specializes in Attachment, trauma and Loss. She is experienced in helping adults, teens, children, and families adjust to anxiety, trauma, abuse, divorce, separation, loss of a loved one, and loss of finance. This may include deciding what is in the best interest of the children during custody disputes, strengthening the relationship and communication between the parents and the children.

From Nov 2020 Dr. Borschel is only available for online consultations.

Dr. Borschel’s attachment-based therapy along with EMDR and Brainspotting enables her clients to find healing within themselves. In so doing, she can help her clients to overcome anxiety, trauma, neglect, emotional, verbal, physical abuse, and child abuse.

Furthermore, as an attachment specialist, she also helps individuals understand relationship patterns which prevent them from developing or maintaining healthy relationships. She is able to help reduce anxiety, insomnia, depression and promote confidence and self-esteem.

Dr. Borschel is originally from Salt Lake City, Utah, U.S.A. She graduated with her Masters in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University in New York City. She later moved to Hong Kong to pursue her doctorate at the University of Hong Kong in Social Work and Social Administration.

Registered Clinical Psychologist with The Hong Kong Society of Counseling and Psychology (HKSCP). Member of the American Psychological Association (APA), The British Psychological Society (BPS), and the Hong Kong Family Law Association (HKFLA).

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