Attack is not the best form of defense

Published on September 28, 2021

Melinda braced herself as her husband Michael walked across the room.  He had a look of dissatisfaction on his face that made her alarm bells go off.  Before he had a chance to say anything to her, she attacked him verbally.  She insulted him, using his insecurities against him to protect herself.  She thought attack is the best form of defense, hurt before you are hurt.

Michael, her husband, attacked back.  Both were now trying to hurt the other to regain control.  The blaming language was a way for them to protect themselves from vulnerability.  Both feared rejection and abandonment and thought the best thing was to reject the other person first. The conflict damaged the relationship as neither partner trusted the other partner not to hurt them.  Both felt guarded.

Conflict is an opportunity to repair problems in your relationship.  As hard as it is to hear that your partner might be dissatisfied, listening can bring you closer and increase intimacy.  Here are some pointers to help you resolve and repair instead of damage your relationship during the conflict.

1) Listen without judging. When people are hurt or angry, they tend to only focus on the negative aspects of their partner.  Remember that your partner has other traits that led you to fall in love with them.  If you were to listen and observe what your partner is saying instead of judging, their comments might hurt less.

2) Let it land. According to John Gottman, letting your partners criticisms land without becoming defensive helps couples to repair. Listen to your body and if you are feeling overwhelmed, ask your partner for a moment to breathe.  Reflect on your feelings and ask yourself what insecurity is being opened.  Space is ok to calm down, but the cold shoulder is punitive and a form of emotional abuse.

3) Respond and don’t react. Attacking language or feeling on the defense can send you into fight or flight.  Once you are in fight, it is hard to come out of it.  How can you respond as a calm adult instead of lashing out?  What do you need to say to yourself?  If you feel attacked by your partner, a simple thing to say is, “That was hurtful.”  Non-violent communication is a way to focus on needs instead of criticism.  What does your partner need? What do you need? How can you put your needs forward in a way that can be heard?

4) Constructive versus destructive criticism. Constructive criticism aims to help the other person succeed.  Destructive criticism seeks to devalue the other person for control.  Constructive criticism uses a gentle start-up versus destructive criticism, which involves a harsh start-up.  If your partner uses destructive criticism against you, understand that it is more about them than you.  Either they feel insecure and put it on you or feel a need for control.  Let destructive criticism go over your head so that it does not damage your self-worth. Avoid destructive criticism in your language with each other.

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If you feel like you need to talk to someone, then please do contact me to set up an online session via email info@doctormonicaborschel.com.


Category(s):Couple Counseling, Marital Counseling, Relationships & Marriage, Stress Management

Written by:

Dr Monica Borschel

Welcome! My passion is to help you find inner peace and emotional comfort within yourself and your relationships.

As social creatures, our relationships significantly shape our happiness, well-being, and sense of self-worth. Unfortunately, many of us have experienced relationship-related traumas, which can leave us with emotional scars that require recovery.

Attachment traumas, such as divorce, break-ups, infidelity, neglect, and abuse, can be challenging. As an expert in attachment, loss, and trauma, I have spent many years studying how attachment styles can shift with loss and trauma.

I have seen how healthy relationships can lead to secure attachment and how insecure attachment can create turmoil in our lives. I aim to guide you toward cultivating healthy relationships with yourself, your children, your co-parent, and your romantic partner.

I can help you develop new attachment strategies that will allow you to form deeper connections and bonds with those around you. And, if you have children, I can also assist you in establishing secure attachments with both parents, which can be especially helpful in cases of separation or divorce.

I am originally from Salt Lake City, Utah, where I completed my Bachelor of Science in Psychology at The University of Utah. From there, I moved to New York City, earning my Master’s in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University. I then pursued my Doctorate in Social Work and Social Administration at the University of Hong Kong. I lived and worked in Hong Kong as a practicing Clinical Psychologist from 2010-2020. I reside in California and am pursuing my Doctorate in Psychology (PsyD) at California Southern University. My training and qualifications include certifications in Brainspotting and High Conflict Coaching.

These tools, combined with my extensive knowledge and experience in the field, enable me to offer you the guidance and support you need to recover from past traumas and build healthy relationships.

My approach to therapy is empathetic, supportive, and tailored to your unique needs. Every person can grow, and thrive. I am committed to helping you achieve your goals. So, whether you are struggling with relationship issues, divorce, abuse, attachment traumas, or other challenges, I am here to help you find the peace and comfort you deserve.

Email me at info@doctormonicaborschel.com or call the MindnLife Clinic at 852 2521 4668