Turning your child against the other parent will backfire

Published on January 8, 2021

A family going through divorce or separation

Lila was a woman who did not believe in divorce.  Lately, she had been arguing more with her husband, Mike.  He had asked for a divorce, and she refused.  Mike decided that he would move out.  After a week of him out of the house, she received a letter from his solicitor.  Infuriated, she began telling their two children that their father had abandoned them, and what a horrible man he was.  She decided that she would not co-operate, and Mike would never see his children again.

Lila hired her own solicitor, and in her court paperwork, she made false accusations that he had abused her and the children.  The children started to believe that their father had hurt their mother.  The children no longer wanted to see Mike or his family.

This hurt the children because they loved their father, and now, they thought he was abusive.  They grieved their father and wondered how he could do that.  They became angry with him and hated the part of their identity that was like his.  Like his last name, his family and even having the same eye colour as him.

This hurt Lila because the courts found out that the accusations were false.  Lila and Mike spent over a year and hundreds of thousands of dollars on legal fees.  Both were stressed and frustrated.  The children both suffered psychological damage and had to undergo psychological treatment.  The process had hurt the entire family.

Healthy ways to cope

If you are feeling hurt by a divorce or a separation, there are healthy ways to cope with anger, shame, and feelings of loss and trauma.  Children must be able to have a healthy and secure relationship with both parents to be psychologically healthy.  Children are resilient when they have adults that they can turn too.  If a child feels like one parent will be hurt or angry if they talk to the other parent, they might feel conflicted and develop anxiety or depression.  Your child is half you and half your partner.  If this is something that you are struggling to reconcile mentally, it is best to seek professional health so that the children do not suffer.


If this is something that you have been through or are going through and would like to set up an appointment with me please contact +852 2521 4668 or email info@doctormonicaborschel.com You can book a private or Skype session.

Photo by Mikail Duran on Unsplash

Category(s):Divorce / Divorce Adjustment, Emotional Abuse, Ending a relationship issues, Parenting

Written by:

Dr Monica Borschel

My goal is to help you out of the pain that you are feeling from abuse, loss, and unhealthy relationships and into loving yourself and your life again. I understand how scary it is in the darkness and I want to help you transition back into the light. Do you feel invisible? I can help you to feel seen and heard again.

I have helped hundreds of individuals go from suffering to thriving. I have studied the effects of abuse, loss, and unhealthy relationships on self-worth, trust, depression, and anxiety for almost fifteen years. My education and clinical experience have enabled my clients to understand their own worth, make positive changes in their relationships and careers, and have more confidence.

I specialize in attachment, trauma, and loss. I am experienced in helping adults, teens, children, and families adjust to anxiety, trauma, abuse, divorce, separation, and loss. This may include deciding what is in the children’s best interest during disputes and strengthening the relationship and communication between the parents and the children. As an attachment specialist, I help individuals understand and deal with relationship patterns that prevent them from developing or maintaining healthy relationships.

I have had the privilege of working with people from diverse backgrounds, cultures, and experiences. I am from Salt Lake City, Utah. I graduated with my master’s in psychology from Columbia University in New York City. I pursued her doctorate in Social Work and Social Administration at the University of Hong Kong. I live in California and work on my PsyD at California Southern University.

Registered Clinical Psychologist with The Hong Kong Society of Counseling and Psychology (HKSCP). Member of the American Psychological Association (APA), The British Psychological Society (BPS), and the Hong Kong Family Law Association (HKFLA).

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