I’m so confused, should I stay or should I go?

Published on January 30, 2020

Sometimes people find themselves confused in relationships.  They might wonder should I be with this person? Am I a good partner?  Is my relationship toxic?  What should I take responsibility for and what shouldn’t I take responsibility for?  If you are asking yourself these questions, you might have had some past hurtful experiences, or you might be in a relationship where you are being manipulated.  So how can you tell?  Here are some things to consider if you are finding yourself confused.

1. Are you over your ex?

If you are still in love with your ex, no one will be able to compete with them.  Comparing the new partner to your ex is unfair because you haven’t had the time to build the connection and make memories together.  If you are still in love with your ex, then your new partner will always fall short.

2. Were you ever abused?

If you grew up with domestic violence, or any other form of abuse, trusting others can be a challenge. Intimacy might be a struggle for you because the thought of being vulnerable with someone is overwhelmingly scary.  Other forms of trauma can also lead to building a wall around yourself to protect yourself.

3. Your relationship has shifted

When people begin dating, they tend to put their best face forward. They want to show you what you want to see.  Over time, the mask can slip, and the real person is exposed.  If it is you who was pretending to be something you are not, how has that shifted your relationship?  If the other person has changed, can you accept it? When the chemistry is high in the beginning, it can feel like the romance is dead when the relationship solidifies more into a friendship.  If this is the case, how can you incorporate more passion?

4. Are you being manipulated?

Sometimes people fall in love with a person who wants to own and control you. In the beginning, romance will be high.  They will make you feel like you are the most amazing person in the world only to devalue you and manipulate you in the future.  The devalued person might think if they are patient enough, the other person will change back into the person they fell in love with.  Some forms of manipulation that can confuse are gaslighting, acting hot and cold and isolation from friends and family.

5. Do you feel like you deserve love?

If your self worth is low, you might not feel like you deserve love. If this is the case, you might question why the other person is with you.  You might wonder what is wrong with this person that they like me?  You might accidentally push the other person away because of that.


If you would like to set up an appointment please reach out to me on +852 2521 4668 or email m.borschel@mindnlife.com.

Photo by imtmphoto

Category(s):Abuse / Abuse Survivor Issues, Ending a relationship issues, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) / Trauma / Complex PTSD, Relationships & Marriage

Written by:

Dr Monica Borschel

Dr Borschel specialises in Attachment and Loss. She is experienced in helping adults, teens, children, and families adjust to anxiety, trauma, abuse, divorce, separation, or loss of a loved one.

Dr. Borschel’s attachment-based psychodynamic therapy along with EMDR, enables her clients to find healing within themselves. In so doing, she can help adults, teens, and children to overcome grief, anxiety, trauma, neglect, emotional, verbal, physical abuse, and child abuse.

Furthermore, as an attachment specialist, she also helps individuals understand relationship patterns which prevent them from developing or maintaining healthy relationships. She is able to help reduce anxiety, insomnia, depression and promote confidence and self-esteem. This may include deciding what is in the best interest of the children during custody disputes, strengthening the relationship and communication between the parents and the children.

Dr. Borschel is originally from Salt Lake City, Utah, U.S.A. She graduated with her Masters in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University in New York City. She later moved to Hong Kong to pursue her doctorate at the University of Hong Kong in Social Work and Social Administration.

Registered Clinical Psychologist with The Hong Kong Society of Counseling and Psychology. Member of the American Psychological Association (APA), the American Counseling Association (ACA), The British Psychological Society (BPS), and the Hong Kong Family Law Association (HKFLA).

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