2 Biggest Mistakes Made When Trying Revive Up a Faltering Sex Life

Published on September 3, 2019

Is your sex-lacking? Has your sex life stopped? Maybe you are the one always asking and getting turned down? Maybe you are the one that doesn't want the sex and don't feel you can be honest to yourself or your partner about why you don't want sex.

When it comes to couples trying to address a diminishing sex life or low-quality sex or may be even sex that has stopped for a while, they make these 2 common mistakes.

Common Mistake Number ONE

The biggest mistake individuals or couples make is to focus on the doing aspect of sex or the sex positions. People think sex is all about the DOING. They will research and study the various ways to do it.  People will explain in detail how they have gone to huge amount of trouble to research all these different positions. They will want to try and spice up their sex life by focusing on various positions.

One individual will ask questions or examine what is wrong with the doing? They will want to know why the partner doesn't want to do it? They will think it is something wrong with how they are doing it. Or they will approach their partner with the number of times they have done it or have done. They will talk about how long it has been since they did it. They will ask why they didn’t do it.

Or they will focus on the doing of initiating. Who initiates sex and who rejects sex?

Making sex about the doing is where couples go all wrong. When we focus on just the doing part of sex, we miss the real reason why sex is so great…it’s great because of how it makes us feel. Most people want to feel desired, special, attractive and cared about.

However, it isn’t any particular type of doing that will cause these feelings. Instead, the feelings must exist in the couple and then are expressed through sex. Thinking sex CAUSES feelings is why people focus on the doing. But if you haven’t been taking care of your relationship and there are unresolved issues, these issues, even if they have nothing to do with sex, will affect sex.

Therapy helps couples focus on the right things to solve their sex issues. Often lack of sex or low quality or quantity of sex is more a symptom of something else going on in the relationship. Therapy helps couples learn better ways to communicate and get the feelings they want so they can have the sex they desire.

Common Tammy Fontana All in the Family Counselling Centre Pte LtdMistake Number 2

The other major mistake people when it comes to how they deal with lack of sex or intimacy in the relationship is thinking it is something that is ONE PERSON’s FAULT. I see so many people make this make.

Low quality or quantity sex can never be solved by one person alone in the relationship. Sex is something that people do TOGETHER. Therefore, if one person is rejecting sex, it’s not their problem, it’s a couple problem. If one person is never in the mood, it’s not their problem to fix, it’s actually a couple’s issue. If one person wants to talk about it but the other doesn’t, that’s a relationship issue, not the non-talker’s problem.


What I have seen over and over again, there are usually really good reasons why a person doesn’t want to have sex. However, when they do not feel safe or fear consequences for being honest about their reasons they will not share or talk about.


Therapy helps people focus on the right issues the right way and make progress to get the relationship and sex lives they want.


Therapy provides a structured, safe and healthy relationship to help a person be able to recognize and process their feelings to make informed and healthy decisions and behaviors. If you want your life and relationships to better, don’t wait. Help is there for you.

If you would like to learn more, contact All in the Family Counselling Centre Pte Ltd. to arrange for an initial consultation. Preferred communication is via WhatsApp at +6590307239 or email at tammy @ allinthefamilycounselling DOT COM


Category(s):Adult psychological development, Anger Management, Codependency / Dependency, Couple Counseling, Health / Illness / Medical Issues, Marital Counseling, Pre-Marital Counseling, Relationships & Marriage, Self-Care / Self Compassion, Self-Confidence, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem, Sexual Problems / Sex Therapy

Written by:

Tammy M. Fontana, MS NCC CTRT Sex Therapist USA

Ms. Fontana is a relationship counsellor specializing in helping people with their relationships whether it is dating, marriage, parenting or with their extended family. Her clients call her approach practical and found solutions to their problems. Ms. Fontana has obtained her Master Degree in Mental Health counselling from the United States and is a USA Nationally Certified Counsellor. She is also a Certified Choice Theory Reality Therapist and is USA trained Sex Therapist.

Tammy M. Fontana, MS NCC CTRT Sex Therapist USA belongs to All in the Family Counselling Centre, PTE LTD in Singapore

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