Husband's cell phone

Dear Dr. Park

My husband told me he does not want me opening his cell phone which I find weird. He says it was to avoid problems because if I saw a message I would react to it even though I didn't know the context. A few weeks ago he forgot his phone in the bathroom and I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. He rushed to get his phone.

In the morning he left for a trip outside the country and left his phone. I opened his message and what I saw made me freeze, an intimate message sent from a woman whom he claims is friend. He says in his line of work people send each other such messages (rubbish) as he calls it.

I got mad and followed him to where he had gone, but unfortunately when I got there he had gone to another town. I spoke to him over the phone and we shouted at each other as he denied all. When he got home he hit me and said I don't respect him and that's why I opened his phone when he had said I shouldn't.

To date he is in a mood and says I have destroyed our marriage because I broke trust between and his spirit is now dead. He says he doesn't know what he wants to do. He is confused and doesn't know whether he loves me or not or whether to continue or get a divorce but he doesn't trust me anymore. And he says obviously I don't trust him anymore and that marriage without trust is dead. He blames me for opening his phone and for following him. Please help; what should I do?

Dear sender

I can see that you are suffering from much pain and distress.

However, it is at times like these that you must evaluate a problem with a calm head and heart.

First of all, the important thing is that after you opened your husband's cellular phone, your trust for him fell apart. You began suspecting wrongdoing in your husband's actions. If that is the case, then I think it's necessary for you to consider this: "What would have happened had I not opened his cellular phone?"

If your trust in your husband fell apart only after you opened the cellular phone, it could mean that you are a very sensitive person. Otherwise, it would mean that you had distrusted your husband for a fairly long time. If that situation was worsened with the cellular phone incident, then I believe that your husband definitely has a problem.

In any case, in this situation, rather than letting your emotions rule judgment, I suggest consulting a couple's therapist like myself and receiving a detailed consultation. It is because it seems that your marital relationship has worsened too seriously to deal with it by yourselves. In the world that we live in today, it is so hard to bring together two people and join them in marriage. So, I feel that couples should seriously handle and resolve marital problems.

Dear Dr. Park

I'm wondering whether there are effective ways of relieving depression or stress without resorting to drugs. It seems any external synthetic source taken to feel good is not healthy.

Thank you.

Dear sender

As with any disease, it is very important to know the cause or the root of the problem. Depression is not an exception here. I am sure that you weren't always depressed. If you can understand and find out why and when you started becoming depressed, there will definitely be an answer waiting for you.

You said that you don't want to resort to medication and it seems that you have refused and rejected medication in the past, but I would just like to say that medication could be the answer. Today, many forms of medication out there can be taken with few side effects, and scientific advances have come such a long way that many people out there receive help that they need through medication.

Otherwise, I recommend psychotherapy. Finding the root cause of the problem will inevitably shed light on a solution. If you are in Korea, I would like to make my services available to you. I will try my best to help.

Thank you.