Working with a wide range of clients from different cultures and religions is a great privilege and honor that I get to experience in my profession. In a previous article on arranged marriage, I discussed one of the common early stages of how being in an arranged marriage can complicate the sex and intimacy both couples had longed for in their marriage.
In this article, I want to discuss some other common issues that I see with my arranged marriage couples.
Another typical type of arranged marriage couples that come into my office are married for 12, 18, 24 months and have yet to consummate or have sex in their marriage. The main issues, is basically because they don’t know each other.
To make it explicit the woman doesn’t feel like her husband wants to have sex with HER. Instead she feels like her husband just wants sex and he happens to be married to her so she’ll do. She doesn’t feel wanted, desired or special or cared for in a way that makes her feel unique and special. Instead she describes to me that she feels like she’s just this object to have sex with. Often the message is lost on her husband. Needless to say the couple is stuck in gridlock and fighting about the role and place of sex in their marriage.
Most of my arranged marriages are with Indian couples. They are often Indians from India but can also be Indians from Singapore, Malaysia, the United Kingdom or Australia. This example is a very common issue I help couples with.
Part of the reason they get stuck is that I often hear these couple tell me that they though when they are married the are supposed to have sex, meaning intercourse. The woman feels that the husband is more focused on the intercourse than on her. She wants to feel connected, understood and liked by husband. The husband will declare he feels all those things, that is why he married her so why can’t they have sex.
None-the-less what ensues is actually a power struggle over access to marital rights and who is in charge of the woman’s body and what are the conditions to have sex in this marriage. Many couples don’t see this as they issue. They just think they have a sex problem.
So how do I help these couples? Well there is no one standard size fits all model I apply. Generally these cases will require a serious commitment to therapy of usually 20-30 sessions. I help them to really see what the issue is in this case. Most of the issues are really more existential in natural. They have to do with examining and understanding the purpose of marriage, the meaning of family, how are they defining sex, intimacy and how are these two linked (in reality they are not). What are the conditions required to have sex with each other. And most importantly how do couples manage the power and control of the relationship, ie who has decision making for the two of in this relationship. Sex is often about power and control in the relationship.
In working out these issues and beliefs, I help couples learn about each other on a deeper level. I help them improve their emotional intelligence as well their ability to have empathy for their partner. Overall I improve the quality of the relationship which a prerequisite for having any kind of sexual intimacy.
Once the better relationship is established, then I can start helping them to explore their ideas and beliefs about sex, intimacy, fun and connecting. These couples often need education to improve their sexual intelligence. This has more to do with the beliefs and concepts of sex than any doing. I expand their ability to speak freely and effective about how they want to feel having sex. I expand their knowledge and skill to communicate around intimate topics.
If you are in a marriage, arranged or not, many of these issues are a challenge for you, please contact me to learn how I can help you in your relationship. We can schedule an initial appointment to explore your concerns. Best is to whatsapp me at +6590307239 or email me at tammy@allinthefamilycounselling.com
Ms. Fontana is a relationship counsellor specializing in helping people with their relationships whether it is dating, marriage, parenting or with their extended family. Her clients call her approach practical and found solutions to their problems. Ms. Fontana has obtained her Master Degree in Mental Health counselling from the United States and is a USA Nationally Certified Counsellor. She is also a Certified Choice Theory Reality Therapist and is USA trained Sex Therapist.