Arranged Sex in an Arranged Marriage Part 1

Published on January 5, 2018

arranged marriageI have the privilege and honor to work with a wide range of clients from different cultures and religions. This is a great honor to be let into the lives of these individuals couples and help them to grow and improve the quality of their lives and relationships.


One of the specific type of couples I get to work with are couples in an arranged marriage. While I also work with couples in love marriages, the arranged marriage is still a common practice in India, Asia and SE Asia. There are a wide variety of arranged marriages, from completely blind done through a match maker to families knowing each other and matching the couple. The typical arranged marriage is that the couple will be introduced and spend 4-9 months chatting and messaging to get to know one another before being married, as they usually do not live close to one another.


Being in an arranged marriage presents some unique challenges. Individuals are in some sense dating while being married, so there is no changing your mind if you find out you may not be as compatible as you originally thought.  The focus is to build a family and the couple relationship will grow into the family unit.


Often the couples I work with are having a reality check about the idea of marriage and the reality of what being married actually means on a day to day basis. What was described while they were talking over the 4-9 months before marriage isn’t quite as accurate when they have to live together.  They have little guidance other than to make comprises and to keep at regardless how frustrating or unhappy one or both of the individuals are.


One of the unique challenges these couples face is with how to manage the sexual intimacy of their new relationship. Often, they have little to no sex education about the basic mechanics of sex and even less about what sex in a long-term relationship is really about- how to feel special, wanted, close, desired and cared for.


There is often an over focus on intercourse, not on how to feel good and do what you enjoy. They don’t know that intercourse is just one type of sex, and only necessary for conception. Couples, who are virtually strangers have a huge pressure to have intercourse with one another without really knowing what that involves and not really knowing each other. This is pretty daunting and anxiety producing for both individuals.


What I have seen in my office is that often the first few times can be very negative and even painful for the woman and sometimes the man. Once sex hurts, often the anxiety and performance and avoidance starts. This is when things get complicated.


The couple is often frustrated and yet again the idea of sex and the reality of sex seem to be so far apart. The couple, as many people do focus on the doing or mechanical aspects of sex. This can lead to various fights both inside and outside the bedroom.


Unfortunately, my arranged marriage couples are given messages often implying that “marriage causes sex”. They are led to believe that the act of marriage will make sex work. They believe that being marriage sex should be easy…they can’t reconcile the unpleasant experience with the 25-30 years of messaging to wait, its joyful and sacred. When they finally do try to have sex in their arranged marriage, it is very negative, painful and unpleasant.

In these cases they feel robbed and will typical resort to blaming, rejecting or avoiding sex. This is such a shame for the couples and their developing relationship.


I help these couples learn several things to ultimately get them a good sex life. I help them develop a good relationship outside the bedroom which definitely includes learning how to discuss and manage conflict and disagreement. I increase their sexual intelligence about what is sex and what sex isn’t. I help give the ability to be able to discuss what they like and don’t like in kind and friendly ways both about sex as well as other aspects of their. Ultimately, I help these couples feel good about each, enjoy one another company and help them build the foundation for good relationship and sex life.


If you’d like to explore how I might help you, please whatsapp me at +6590307239 or email


Category(s):Family Problems, Marital Counseling, Men's Issues, Sexual Problems / Sex Therapy, Women's Issues

Written by:

Tammy M. Fontana, MS NCC CTRT Sex Therapist USA

Ms. Fontana is a relationship counsellor specializing in helping people with their relationships whether it is dating, marriage, parenting or with their extended family. Her clients call her approach practical and found solutions to their problems. Ms. Fontana has obtained her Master Degree in Mental Health counselling from the United States and is a USA Nationally Certified Counsellor. She is also a Certified Choice Theory Reality Therapist and is USA trained Sex Therapist.

Tammy M. Fontana, MS NCC CTRT Sex Therapist USA belongs to All in the Family Counselling Centre, PTE LTD in Singapore

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