A large part of my practice is dealing with couples in which the man doesn't want to have sex with his wife. This seems to break all sterotypes and myths about men and sex. But quite often men find they do want to have sex with their wife or partner.
The myth that men want sex all the time and women are the ones turning down or refusing sex is simply not true. A huge part of my practice is dealing with couples in which the man does not want to have sex with his wife or female partner.
Men and women are really not that different when it comes to sexuality and desire. Men often suffer from the persistent myths that they are continually “horny” or in need of sex and will have sex at any time of the day with anyone and think about sex.
What research shows and what I have found in my practice is that it is about 50/50. 50% of the time wife want/demand sex more than their husband want it and 50% of the time the husband wants it and their wife doesn’t. I have just as many men who don’t want sex with their partner as women who don’t want sex.
Contrary to popular beliefs that men can have sex under any condition, I have found and the research bears this out that men do need specific conditions and needs met before they are willing to participate in a sexual encounter, especially in a long-term relationship.
Many women want to know WHY their husband doesn’t want to have sex. They immediate start to focus on themselves and think there is something wrong with them. After they research, try new hair styles, loose weight and work on themselves to no avail, they then focus on their husband to figure out what is wrong with him. Often sending him to see a doctor and/or a counselors on his own.
A reason a person, whether male or female, doesn’t want to have sex with their long term partner is highly varied. There is no one reason. One thing to understand is that sex does not happen in a void, it happens within the context and quality of a relationship.
Therefore, when an individual decides to assign blame to either themselves or the other person this isn’t a helpful. Blaming poor sex or no sex on another individual and making it one person’s responsibility to fix is not help. Often the sexually frustrated individual wants it to be an individual problem rather than a relationship problem. However, sexual issues are a combination of both individual and relationship issues.
What I find in my practice is that sex is the red herring or a distraction from the real underlying issues. People make things a “sex problem” because that seems easier to fix that than a serious unresolved relationship issues. Be careful how you define your problems, it can make things worse or prevent you from solving them.
These are some reasons that a man may not want sex with his wife, this is not an exhaustive list:
- Lack of global compatibility both sexually and outside of the bedroom.
- Couple have grown apart
- Lack of emotional intimacy. Husband doesn’t feel appreciated, validated or understood
- Husband who is being nagged and put down about his abilities at home, his parenting or ambitions
- Alcohol or substance abuse problem
- No long physically attracted to his wife, due to physical appears changes that are quite different from when he first fell in love with her
- Husband is no longer attracted to spouse’s personality, interests or the way she is choosing to run her life
- Engaging in online relationships, through online/skype dating sites like adult friend finder. This is often a coping solution to the real issue, not really the problem. If the person is very unhappy emotionally in their relationship and sexually, they look outside to solve that.
- Having an emotional or sexual affair
- Depressed
- Fear of growing older
- Concern about his ability to complete a sex act
- Finds sex with his spouse painful
- Doesn’t anticipate the sex he’ll have with his spouse to be very good
- Boring and unsatisfying sex
- Fears being criticized by a demanding sex partner so avoids sex
- Stress and worries from finances or work
- Health Issues, overweight, hypertension or pre diabetes
- Exhaustion from work and travel
- Low testosterone
- No down individual downtime for himself. His time is spread to thin, no ablity to do things he loves like sports, exercise, hanging out with friends etc.
- Wants out of his relationship/marriage
- Constant rejection when requesting sex so has given up
- No longer sees his wife sexually
As you can see there are a variety of reasons a man may not want sex with his spouse. They are not that different than when women don’t want sex. If you need help solving your sex it is important to have a good frame to discuss it. We provide relationship and sex therapy. Contacts us to learn more at 90307239 or email us at tammy@allinthefamilycounselling.com
Ms. Fontana is a relationship counsellor specializing in helping people with their relationships whether it is dating, marriage, parenting or with their extended family. Her clients call her approach practical and found solutions to their problems. Ms. Fontana has obtained her Master Degree in Mental Health counselling from the United States and is a USA Nationally Certified Counsellor. She is also a Certified Choice Theory Reality Therapist and is USA trained Sex Therapist.