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Articles on Control Issues


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  • Attachment: The Importance of First Relationships

    If you are interested in relationships, you will be interested in learning about attachment theory. This theory highlights the importance of the relationship between infants and their caregivers. Our relationships in adult life are affected by the quality of this first emotional bond. Indeed, much of what couple counselling concerns itself with is uncovering the effect of these early bonds.

    From a psychological and emotional standpoint, the infant’s motivations for attachment are comparable to those of an adult. John Bowlby introduced attachment theory to modern psychology. He started developing the theory to help him to understand the relationship between infants and their mothers. Families are often structured differently these days, with stay-at-home fathers assuming the caregiver role. Bowlby’s study focused on why infants experience such distress, when they are temporarily separated from their mothers.


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    Date Posted: February 15, 2013

    Categories: Adult psychological development, Attachment Issues, Child Development, Control Issues, Couple Counseling, Ending a relationship issues, Family of Origin Issues / Codependency, Marital Counseling, Relationships & Marriage


  • Fear of the Abyss: Healing the Wounds of Shame

    In my years of practice as a psychotherapist, I have come to know that people can actually heal, not just cope better—the best hope current cognitive-behavioral therapy models offer. Depending on the difficulty of their problems and the degree of self-examination they are willing to do, people can truly heal—leaving behind old patterns of behavior, as well as their attendant thoughts and feelings.

    My orientation is psychodynamic, meaning that I believe in helping people get to the root of the issues that trouble them. A person’s history or narrative, and the unconscious (thoughts and feelings not in awareness) are keys to this process. My goal in this kind of therapy is integration—to view the many different components of one’s personality with love, compassion, and honor, and to understand that we all have some tendencies we don’t like that can be tempered by the positive ones. It is unnecessary to deny these tendencies, which can leave people feeling inauthentic. What some call the shadow side must be acknowledged and embraced, not split off almost like a separate person. My book will not tell you how to cope with these feelings, but will encourage you to see yourself as a whole person—though maybe one with some feelings you have been running from—and set you on the path to healing.


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    Date Posted: June 29, 2012

    Categories: Control Issues, Self-Criticism, Shame


  • The story of the two wolves: Managing your thoughts, feelings and actions

    Have you ever had thoughts, feelings or acted in ways that were unacceptable to yourself but felt powerless to control? The purpose of this post is to help you find ways to manage your mind so that you can live your life more in accordance with what your own judgment says is best for you.

    As we grow up, we gradually become aware of the many things in the external world which are largely beyond our ability to control. These include other people in general and most events in our lives. Initially this is difficult to accept, but a more shocking realization is that there are many things about ourselves that we seem powerless to control.


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    Date Posted: February 21, 2012

    Categories: Control Issues, Life Purpose / Meaning / Inner-Guidance, Personality problems, Self-Care / Self Compassion


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