Have you heard about the lesson of the butterfly?
One day, a man was watching a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. The butterfly managed to make a small hole, but its body was too large to get through it. After a long struggle, it appeared to be exhausted and remained absolutely still. Out of kindness and eagerness to help, the man cut open the cocoon with a pair of scissors. Finally, the butterfly was released, but its body was very small and wrinkled, and its wings were all crumpled. The man continued to watch the butterfly, expecting it to expand its wing and fly away at any moment. However, the butterfly was never able to fly. It spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.
The lesson of the butterfly goes that struggles are an essential part of our growth process. The butterfly’s struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. In a similar vein, it is the struggles we go through that allows for the development of our abilities.
Sometimes it is hard watching someone you care about struggle. While it is instinctive to want to help, we may hobble those who struggle when we do for them what they are capable of doing for themselves. We need to learn to wait and let the process unfold on its own. We can watch and be there should any help be required, yet not intervene when there is no real need to.
As such, it is important to know the difference between enabling and empowering, as these characteristics in our behaviors can affect our loved ones.
Enabling is encouraging another to relinquish responsibility for feelings and decisions by taking over their duties and freeing the person - essentially making the person feel too comfortable. This may take the form of excusing a person from his emotional outbursts, which could be related to mental health diagnosis. Thus, ill behaviors are allowed to continue the status quo. On the other hand, empowering allows for growth and independence and in many ways, helps to eliminate the otherwise self-sabotaging behaviors.
These are some questions you can reflect upon to determine if your behaviors are enabling or empowering:
- Am I doing for them what they able to do?
- Am I acting out of guilt and obligation?
- Am I walking on eggshells, fearful of reaction if I say no?
- Am I worried about them feeling rejected?
- What if they didn’t need me as much?
- Who am I if I am not a rescuer?
- Do they have a track record of success in one area that can translate into another?
- Can I reinforce their abilities if that is the case?
- Do I hold a vision for them of success?
- Do I have my own self- doubt that is contagious?
- Do I trust them to make good decisions?
- Do I want responsibility for another person beyond the point at which it is healthy for either of us?
- Do I want to be seen as the savior?
- Are there others who can offer support and assistance to this person?
- Can I help them put a plan in place to have them move forward?
- Have I used encouraging “I believe in you,” language or discouraging, “Are you sure you can do this?”
- Do I feel good about my decision?
- Is it in their best interest?
How we react and respond to others is critical in influencing their growth. As much as it may be difficult at times, it is essential to set the right boundaries and approach situations with the right intentions and mindset.
Category(s):Positive Psychology
Source material from PsychCentral
