Arranged marriages are still very common in a large part of the world and make a significant portion of my therapy practice. I have the privilege to help these couples improve the quality of their relationships. I’ve written two other articles on sex in arranged marriages. Please visit those articles to learn more.
This article focuses on how arranged marriage couples that started out with an okay sex life, had their child, but now other issues related to likeability of their partner is interfering with their desire to have sex. Likeability has to with among many things, compatibility, how well extended family gets on, values and hygiene. A very common issue of conflict in my Asian marriages are related to in-laws problems.
These typical couples often had a smooth 12-24 months of arranged marriage and were able to have sex. The sex was okay in the beginning. They may have even conceived one or two children.
But as the couple spends more time together and really starts to get to know the intricacy of each other, they fight more, have more disagreements and start to loose the likeablity for their partner. They may love their partner because through marriage they are a family, they are the parent of their child and they are committed to the marriage, but they don’t like their partner.
They may have had bad in-law or extended family experiences, they cannot agree on many issues related to work, home, finances or in-laws. They are not very compatible and may not even like each other, but they are married and must do the marriage. They are of course often have stop having sex or have it so infrequently that may experience anxiety and performance issues or avoid it all together. One or both of them cannot agree on why they are not having sex.
In each of these cases sex in an arranged marriage takes on unique challenges. The fundamental aspects of how I help couples is to help them understand:
How are they defining sex, is it just intercourse?
-What do they want from sex?
-How do they want to feel from sex
-Is there relationship outside the bedroom conducive to having the kind of sex and feelings they want a match?
-Are their beliefs and ideas of the opposite sex realistic?
-how well do they understand what sex is, the emotions of sex
-How well versed are they in discussing and talking about what the want, not just with sex but anything in their relationship
These are just some of the few areas I start helping couples to think about. So how do I help these couples? Well there is no one standard size fits all model I apply. Generally these cases will require a serious commitment to therapy.
I help them to really see what the issue is in this case. Most of the issues are really more existential in natural. They have to do with examining and understanding the purpose of marriage, the meaning of family, how are they defining sex, intimacy and how are these two linked (in reality they are not). What are the conditions required to have sex with each other. And most importantly how do couples manage the power and control of the relationship, ie who has decision making for the two of in this relationship. Sex is often about power and control in the relationship.
If you are in a marriage, arranged or not, many of these issues are a challenge for you, please contact me to learn how I can help you in your relationship. We can schedule an initial appointment to explore your concerns. Best is to whatsapp me at +6590307239 or email me at tammy@allinthefamilycounselling.com
Ms. Fontana is a relationship counsellor specializing in helping people with their relationships whether it is dating, marriage, parenting or with their extended family. Her clients call her approach practical and found solutions to their problems. Ms. Fontana has obtained her Master Degree in Mental Health counselling from the United States and is a USA Nationally Certified Counsellor. She is also a Certified Choice Theory Reality Therapist and is USA trained Sex Therapist.