It's Not a Communication Problem

Published on September 7, 2013

It’s not a communication problem

Married couples think because their partner doesn’t want what s/he wants or see the problem as s/he does, they have a communication problem.  People’s definition of a communication problem is that they are unable to get their partner to willingly and happily see their point of view and more importantly do things their way. This is not a communication problem but a conflict of wants problem.

Individuals in a marriage don’t like what they are hearing from their partner on specific topics, which usually means their partner doesn’t want what s/he wants and they label this as a communication problem.

The conflict of wants, labeled as a communication problem, gets ugly quickly because partner A tries to persuade partner B from their current belief or want and align it to what s/he wants. Of course, partner B thinks what s/he wants or believes is fine and they try and persuade partner A to their way of seeing the world.

This continues in escalating circles until things erupt and people get incredibly hostile and walk away angry or threatening one another or start crying. Or the other way these conversations end is one person gives in but feels a great deal of resentment.

A truth about marriage, that people either fail to recognize or find difficult to come to terms with, is that marriage changes our individual freedom, which means no one will get their way 100% like when they were single. It is important to note you will still get what you want, however it will look different and it takes creativity to work with your partner to find a solution and more effective conflict resolution skills.

The reality is that no one in the world wants exactly what we want when it comes to pretty much anything. The challenge of marriage is to become effective at negotiating our difference and creating solution we can both enthusiastically do. No amount of “Love” can overcome the differences between two people, but skills can.

People in happy marriage can and do get what they want. Successful marriage accept that their partner is different and they embrace this difference and look internally as to how they can creatively shape what they want to make it more compatible with their partner. Successfully married people realize and accept that what they wanted as an individual is achievable in marriage but it will look different in marriage and can be just as satisfying. Effective couples focus on what to do about these differences rather than trying to persuade their partner that what they think they want is wrong.

Marriage counselling helps people learn the skills they need to have successful marriage. Marriage counselling challenges people to evaluate the beliefs they have about love, marriage, relationships, communication and problem solving and explorer better alternatives that are more effective. Call us at 90307239 to find out how we might help you have a better marriage.


Category(s):Blended Family Issues, Codependency / Dependency, Communication Disorders Problems, Couple Counseling, Divorce / Divorce Adjustment, Ending a relationship issues, Infidelity, Marital Counseling, Men's Issues, Other, Pre-Marital Counseling, Relationships & Marriage, Women's Issues

Written by:

Tammy M. Fontana, MS NCC CTRT Sex Therapist USA

Ms. Fontana is a relationship counsellor specializing in helping people with their relationships whether it is dating, marriage, parenting or with their extended family. Her clients call her approach practical and found solutions to their problems. Ms. Fontana has obtained her Master Degree in Mental Health counselling from the United States and is a USA Nationally Certified Counsellor. She is also a Certified Choice Theory Reality Therapist and is USA trained Sex Therapist.

Tammy M. Fontana, MS NCC CTRT Sex Therapist USA belongs to All in the Family Counselling Centre, PTE LTD in Singapore

Mental Health News

  • New Therapy for Schizophrenia

    newsthumbA new form of therapy has been found to be quite promising in its use as a treatment plan for schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is one of the more ...

  • Parental Anxiety and Children's Learning

    newsthumbA new study has found that parents’ attitudes towards mathematics can predict the learning outcomes of their children.

  • MDMA Enhances Cooperation

    newsthumbA new study from King’s College London suggests that MDMA – found in ecstasy – may explain why users cooperate more after taking the drug. ...