Many people who are codependent do not value and love themselves, their Self, because they have learned in their family of origin that they were of little value or even worse that they were bad. Fortunately there are ways you can learn to reverse this kind of early negative conditioning.
One way to increase your valuing of your Self is to take time for yourself and in this time take concrete steps of valuing the self. If you are middle aged or older this can often take the form of taking interest in your own personal life history. This is similar to the way some people who love their country will take time to read the history of their country. Your own self deserves you taking time to examine some pleasant aspects of your own life story perhaps from years ago or even from when you were a very young child.
I recently recalled as a child how on Saturday mornings, 60 years ago in Windsor, the old auto capital of Canada, I would listen to a radio program which recounted fairy tales. It took me about a week to remember the title of the program which was “Let’s Pretend”. Another few days later I remembered one episode was about someone being so sensitive they could feel a pea hidden under their mattress. The next step I took was to Google “Let’s Pretend” and was amazed to find a web site about this program and even had downloadable audio recordings of the episodes.
I was able, after over 60 years, to listen once again to the episode “The Princess and the Pea”. I was perfectly engaged as I listened, re-experiencing to some extent the enchantment I must have experienced as a child to remember it after six decades. And it helped my adult self connect with my inner child in a loving and warm way. I valued myself a little bit more after that exercise.
Are their some ways you could conduct a similar engagement with some nice memory of childhood? The internet is a powerful new way to reach into the past but you may be able to think of other ways e.g. talking with a grandparent. Your inner child, your core self, deserves to be valued and loved.
Dr. Scott is a clinical psychologist based in Singapore with three decades of counseling and psychotherapy experience in helping adults with many kinds of psychological difficulties. These include anxiety, depression, addictions (cybersex, love), and Adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (Adult ADHD).