From Grief to Acceptance

Further down we will open the umbrella on what the world understands as loss. Let's start with what we recognize as one of the most painful experiences one will ever encounter. Yes, we tell each other that death is part of living, but when it actually knocks on our door it  will most likely finds us unprepared. The shock, the disbelief, the denial, guilt and sense of hopelessness, associated with the fear of how life will be from now on. You ask yourself  'What do I do now?', as your life is shaken to its core. Yet, we somehow manage to go through all the phases of this painful process. Why? Because we are intrinsically wired to survive, we continue, we come to acceptance that we will always feel love, but that love needs to be redirected, eventually, to other causes, other people, things that invite us to remain alive.

It doesn't always happen like this though. Sometimes we seem completely unable to move on. We go past grief and enter the realm of constant sadness, where we remain convinced we will never live again, love again or find a reason to smile again. We remain stuck.

We live in a society that promotes wellbeing and happiness as the norm, no matter how fake that portrait must be, so we tend to treat grief as a sickeness of the mind, when in reality it is not. It is a process we all will have to go through more than once in our lives. Therapy can definitely help you through grieving as it is an overwhelming chapter in one's life.

Losing someone doesn't automatically deem someone depressed. Grief itself is not depression. Grief is a process that will take many months and sometimes even longer. Melancholy (depression), on the other hand, or long term grief, is a condition, and it will most likely require pharmaceutical treatment allied with therapeutic treatment.

With proper care melancholy - or depression - can become acceptance, and one can find ways to emerge out of the darkness whithin themselves and back into the world of the living.

When I opened this post I mentioned that we need to rethink loss. Loss seems to be thought only as the physical passing of a dear one, but loss is also a broken marriage, a divorce, a bankruptcy that steals your capacity to support your family. All that also brings grief and can lead to depression with feelings of total loss of control over one's life, sense of failure and hopelesness.

Have you been through a loss recently? 

- Finding a therapist to share your thoughts, feelings and grief at this moment helps a lot, specially as you might feel the need to retreat from friends and family. This need is temporary and completely normal. 

- Remember to be kind to yourself in this process. Find daily tasks that will keep you moving and engaged with the world outside as soon as you feel up to it. Do not isolate. Remember that there are people who love and care for you.

- Go to the funeral or rituals organized to say farewell. Saying goodbye and closure are very important.

- Don't push feelings of sadness or your tears away. Feel your pain, own it, embrace it. Grieve. Don't think that avoiding it with distractions will make it go away. The only way to elaborate grief is to let it run its course. Remember you are feeling exactly the way you're suppose to be feeling.

- Preserve all the good memories and keep them in your heart for when you miss that person. That will bring warmth to your heart and a sense of gratitude for what it was.

- As a society, negative feelings towards a person who died is frowned upon. No one becomes "good" just because they died, and if they hurt us in life we could feel guilty for harbouring ill feelings now that they are gone. You are entitled to your feelings and should not feel guilty for what you can't change. Therapy can help you understand and elaborate these feelings.

- Talk about them with loved ones whenever you feel the need, always respecting the particular moment of the ones around you. 

- If the loss comes from separation, divorce, financial loss, loss of social status, or an embarassing event that caused you to lose your self-esteem or your sense of self, don't feel bad about looking for help because talking about it is exactly what you need right now.

The goal of therapy is guiding you slowly towards acceptance of the new reality, giving you a chance to find joy and lightness in life again.

by Monica Doyle